My Thoughts on Death

In less than 48 hours, it was announced that we had lost two global treasures, Dolly Parton and Tim Curry. My clients are grieving, my family is grieving, and the world is grieving. 

Let it be known that I do not consider myself an expert on death. Humorously, it feels like you need to experience death in order to be labeled an expert, which means an expert opinion is quite a rarity. That being said, I have friends who are experts, family members who are experts, and even a couple of pets who are experts. There are many days when I wish I could talk to them and see what wisdom they have picked up along their travels.

The Beauty of Grief

I had an English teacher who shared the story of his mother’s death. He sat with her on her deathbed and thought, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.” Then he paused and thought, “How awful would it have been if I wasn’t here?”

One thing I picked up from the Buddhists was the idea that there is no inherent “bad” or “good.” There is discomfort, sure, but we are the ones who label each sensation.

There is no good. There is no bad. There is only the present.

So, if we eliminate the “badness” of grief—the shame, the embarrassment, the negativity—what do we have left?

Release

Declarations of love and gratitude

Beautiful memories

Observations of the world around us

If I were moving on, I would be honored if the people I left behind were feeling this way.

Celebrating the Life

I would like to be clear that celebrating life doesn’t mean that you can’t be sad. Sadness is not bad; sadness is sadness. You’re allowed to be both sad and celebratory. One does not nullify the other.

We can create humor while grieving.

We can share stories through tears.

We can watch The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and The Rocky Horror Picture Show with the same sacredness as an all-black funeral.

Carry the Memory

When we lost people in the past, it bothered me how quickly we ended up “going back to normal.” I noticed folks who would mourn for 24 hours and then return to normal as if nothing had ever happened. My annoyance with this action was from before I learned the term desensitization, which absolutely makes sense.

Think about right now: We lost two wonderful humans within two days, all while we still can’t eat lettuce. It would make sense to get through the grieving phase and immediately go into, “Okay, I’m now fine.”

You don’t have to be “fine.”

If our goal is just to be “fine” and “move on,” then what does it mean to experience death?

Dolly Parton has done so much for literacy, feminism, artists, and millions of people who have felt excluded by our patriarchal society. She approached hard conversations with creativity, humor, and a bit of spice.

What does it mean to carry her memory? What does it mean to carry Tim Curry’s?

It means carrying the messages of their lives with us wherever we go.

Things like:

Unconditional acceptance

Building communities of inclusion

Valuing the spiciness of life

The love of music and the arts

The pursuit of equity for all

So, I invite you this week to love the grief.

Celebrate their lives in whatever way you see fit, from watching their movies to blasting their songs at full volume. Most of all, when you thank them for the wonderful impact they have made on this blue marble, think about how you can carry their memory with you in the ever-loving quest to make the world a better place.